Nicklas Johnson · morons.org - Pipe Bomb Suspect is Heterosexual!!

Satire: Pipe Bomb Suspect is Heterosexual!!

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The psychotic 21-year-old suspect in the recent rash of pipe-bomb incidents across the midwest is a HETEROSEXUAL!!
Posted by spatula on May. 07, 2002 17:00 UTC
41 comments from readers. Join the discussion!

We should have known one of those social subversive heterosexuals would be behind the recent pipe bombings of mailboxes of innocent civilians! Luke Helder, a heterosexual, now in custody, is an admitted, unashamed heterosexual.

In his autobiography on his band's homepage, Luke shamelessly says, "Well, the top things I care about are my girlfriend Sarah, and my music/band." His girlfriend! He goes on to say " I party, play guitar, and talk online to everyone. That's my life." Well we all know what "I party" means! It means "I fornicate!"

Clearly fornicating heterosexuals like Luke Helder have but one thing on their minds: terrorizing decent folks like us and trying to destroy our fine country!

---Nick

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Posted by alphatronics from Missouri sucks on May. 08, 2002 09:24

OMG THE HETEROS ARE TAKING OVER

Posted by The Dragonlord from Maine on May. 08, 2002 09:24

WOW I thought I was reading something from a fundie-babble site for a second.

Nice. :)

Posted by FFRFmom on May. 08, 2002 09:39

lol. That was great.

Posted by Yoozer at work on May. 08, 2002 09:52

bet he'll change his mind when he drops the soap.

Yoozer at work: (in prison, that is.)

Toolboy: He'll go into prison a tight end and wind up a wide receiver.

Posted by Marduk from NYC on May. 08, 2002 11:12

WE'RE HERE, WE'RE STRAIGHT - DEAL WITH IT!

The Anime Troll: WE'RE STRAIGHT, WE MATE -- GET USED TO IT!

Marduk: Ah! That's much catchier actually!

Sophist: Gotta love Tom Tomorrow.

Posted by tsg on May. 08, 2002 11:14

Let's get him into the morons.org hetero treatment plan!

Posted by tibbs from Memphis TN on May. 08, 2002 11:19

I'm heterosexual.

I admit it. I have been for years and dispite what David Geffin told Keanu I don't believe we can be un-straightened (or bent, whatever you prefer).

I was born this way and am proud of it.

That said, I am deeply offended that you would label all of us as psychotic, pipe bombing, U of Wisconsin undergrads just becaus one of us happined to be. It's wrong and we won't stand for it anymore.

I'm late! I'm straight! Get used to it!

And if that doesn't do it: Think of the CHILDREN!

aijima: (For the sake of discussion, I'll assume...>flips coin<...you're male.) ...

Be fair: For so many years, press always make "homo" a part of story when a crime is...

Posted by Ahriman on May. 08, 2002 11:23

So, "fornicating heterosexuals" like myself are hellbent on the total and utter destruction of society as we know it?

Thank you, Spatula. Now I have a mental image of myself as a Mad Max style character decked out in leather with a sawed-off shotgun and a badass Mad Max car.

Cool.

Johnny Goodtimes: Hmm... straight guys in leather chaps, living in isolated communities in the...

Posted by Gallows Humour on May. 08, 2002 11:42

Ma! Take the children to the storm cellar! The heterosexuals are attacking!

Posted by Blue Torch Song on May. 08, 2002 11:44

Well I've long said that white heterosexual men will be the ruin of our nation.

Random Guest: 'Will be?'

Blue Torch Song: Yeah, sorry, I guess I did use improper tense in that one. But please forgive...

Posted by BitingHeadsOffLiveWords on May. 08, 2002 12:00

and to think i have a heterosexual female cousin actualy considering attending college in menomonie wisconsin (small world is starting to scare me) who could have been terrorized by this home-grown madman (ye-gawds! shades of timmerfee mac-vay coming to haunt us again!) le yipes!

Radish: "Stout, Stout, the easy way out!" That's what we said in highschool half a...

Posted by Isaac S on May. 08, 2002 12:58

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Posted by Squidface on May. 08, 2002 14:05

It's knowing that they'll be associated with people like this that make heterosexual guys stay in the closet...

Posted by Sarcastatron 2025 on May. 08, 2002 14:45

Has anyone noticed that the only time the word gay is used on this site is either to praise them or insult people? ( http://www.morons.org/articles/1/1602;MB_BOARD_ID=1602&_mb_expall_1602_23=1#1602_23)

Squidface: It's not used to praise people, per se. People will sometimes state that...

Posted by The Anime Troll on May. 08, 2002 17:45

I think my sister is a heterosexual. What should I do?

splorp: Is she cute? And single? Sorry... my heterosexuality sometimes gets the better...

aijima: Git back in yer closet, you... ;^)

Posted by Johnny Goodtimes on May. 08, 2002 17:57

Reverend, this is hard for me to say, but I've been having (shudder)... heterosexual feelings. I want to be normal, really, but no matter what I do I can't fight my urge to drink cheap beer, act aggresive to total strangers, and treat women like crap. I wake up everyday and ask, "Why me, god?"

aijima: "I wake up everyday and ask, "Why me, god? "And a loud report of thunder was...

Posted by Lawnmower on May. 08, 2002 18:42

I think I may be heterosexual. Should I tell my parents, and can Jesus save me? I feel so dirty...

Fr Staley: Come, my son, sit on my lap, and let me explain how things should be...

Posted by Gabu-Ex on May. 08, 2002 22:03

OH NO!!! I CAN'T LIVE ANYMORE, I SHARE MY NAME WITH THIS... HETEROSEXUAL!!!!

Posted by Marduk from NYC on May. 09, 2002 07:53

My father and his boyfriend kicked me out of their loft when I told them I was straight...

Posted by Klep on May. 09, 2002 11:56

What about us non-fornicating heterosexuals?

-David 'Klep' Kleppinger, Raving Lunatic

Card Law: Just 'cuz you can't get a date doesn't mean you're out of the woods on this...

Posted by freetaco from Omaha NE on May. 09, 2002 14:12

Recent research shows that heterosexuals are 45.54% more likely to engage in deviant behavior with their partners.

Fr OShaughnessey: And catholic priests are 99.2% more likely to invent new deviant behaviors when...

Napsterbater: Define "deviant behavior"

Posted by Deft from England on May. 13, 2002 10:35

Did anyone see the episode of Ellen where everyone was gay and someone was trying to come out as straight? It was someone's dream, but I'm sure the point would still stand if I had made one.

Anyway, there was something on a clip show type deal (in England) from the States (sometime in the 70s I would guess), where a reporter was asking people in the street if they would vote for an openly heterosexual man. All except about one out of ten said no...