Well, I wasn't too happy a while back when some Bible-teaching fuckwit (pardon My Aramaic) told his teenage student to write "What Would Jesus Do?" on his penis. Not kidding. Now, I'm the more forgiving one of the two of Us, but even I got pissed here. Seems that you've got about six billion or so people down there; surely you can spare someone more qualified to teach about Me? Not to mention that it disturbs Me greatly that this guy thinks My name on some teenage boy's penis will suddenly avert all of his sexual desire. Sorry. I'm pretty holy, but nothing short of castration is going to completely get rid of that, much less My name written in Magic Marker on your tallywhacker. If that were the case, no one would have had to ever come up with the "vasectomy".
Well, it's bad enough that I've got the undersexed wackos working for Me, but apparently, that wasn't enough.
Just under a fortnight (told you it was a good word) later, these two nut-jobs decided that some eleven year old kid wasn't paying enough attention in My class, so it was proper to beat it into him. With heavy branches off a tree. The kid was savagely beaten by these barbarians for 90 minutes, who then told the parents that he needed more discipline.
A lot of bad shit has happened in My name, and quite frankly, I'm not cool with it. Didn't like the Crusades then, and I don't like this stuff now. Knock it off! I never told you to beat anyone, much less little kids.
Dad's looking into getting a test in order for the people teaching about Our book to make sure stuff like this doesn't happen anymore; problem being that We accidentally open-sourced our book in the beginning. Worst mistake We ever made, really. Keeps Us from strictly enforcing our quality rules, since any one of you, whether sane or not, can teach about Us.
In the meantime, I would really appreciate if you just stuck to singing "Jesus Loves Me" or whatever you guys do down there instead of beating and sexually harassing your kids. You wouldn't believe the PR nightmare We're going through up here. Thank Dad that your American justice system is taking care of these guys for us; He's a bit rusty from not having smote anyone in a few millenia.
I keep telling Dad that if We are going to ever convince anyone worth having up here that We really do exist, We better hurry up and get the paperwork started on that second coming deal. I think Allah's almost done with his, and We're trying to stay competitive.
