Nicklas Johnson · morons.org - In Response To The Marriage Protection Week

Reader-Submitted: In Response To The Marriage Protection Week

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Just a look at what the Bible really says about marriage.
Posted by pissed adrian on Oct. 13, 2003 19:53 UTC
51 comments from readers. Join the discussion!

Since this is the begining of Marriage Protection Week, I thought this might be a good time to see what the Bible really says about marriage:

1. Marriage shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. - Gen. 29, 17 - 28; II Sam. 3, 2 - 5

2. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. - II Sam. 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21

3. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. - Deut. 22, 13 - 21

4. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. - Gen 24:3; Num 25 1 - 9; Ezra 9:12; Neh. 10:30

5.Since marriage is for life, divorce shall not be permited. - Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9

6.If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. - Gen. 38 6 - 10; Deut 25 5 - 10

I just hope this clears up all the confusion about what the "sacred" institution of marriage.

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Posted by sIr-watermelon on Oct. 13, 2003 20:00

Finaly some one said it.

Posted by Dr. Ikutchkokov on Oct. 13, 2003 20:15

Um... One shoe?

paranatural: Hey man, how would you like to have to walk around sandy mountains with only...

Random Guest: That, and this was back in the days before they could hire kids in southeast...

Posted by aeduna from Australia on Oct. 13, 2003 20:22

Don't forget, if he refuses to sleep with his brother's widow, and engages in some cancer-preventing behaviour instead, God will be pissed and kill him. ( Gen38, 8-10)

magney: That one's #6 in the list above. :) Only there, it's correctly pointed out that...

Posted by way2muchsense from Clinton, New York on Oct. 13, 2003 21:06

Me? Do either of my sisters in law? No way. One's a bitch and the other is bigger than Shamu. Neither are still married to my brothers.

Kat o Nine Tales: Well, according to the Sacred Rules of Marriage, they are, since divorce isn't...

Posted by diskopo on Oct. 13, 2003 22:44

Great stuff. Just wondering though, did you actually go through the bible yourself and find these, or did you find these somewhere else? Because I don't see you attributing any sources.

Not that I'm saying you didn't go through the entire book and get these yourself, who knows, maybe you had a lot of time to kill.

adrian: No, there are several sources on the Internet for this. My favorite is White...

diskopo: You forgot to put in the one about no marriage on the menstrual cycle! That one...

adrian: Your right. I just didn't want to gross anyone out.

Ab_Normal: It'd take far more than that to gross out anybody here. ;)

DEMachina: I think it's just no sex on the menstrual cycle, not marriage.

BluJayLax: Though I shall wade through the red river, I shall not drink from it. -...

peter: Matthew 15:11 It is not that which enters into the mouth that defiles the man;...

BluJayLax: Oh, so oral sex is ok then and it only becomes bad if you spit instead of...

Slipshod: Is it really necessary to attribute sources in this case? It...

peter: Ummm.... all the sources are attributed. Those are the little Chapter and verse...

Kat o Nine Tales: Does doing a search through an online Bible yourself count? If so, I'll...

Posted by Pansy Bedwetter on Oct. 14, 2003 02:21

Heh, http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/polygamy.html

I love the annotated bible. =)

Just Nick: That site has two references under "Yes" that should be under "No": 1 Timothy...

Posted by Just Nick from Bible Belt Buckle on Oct. 14, 2003 06:11

The biggest hypocrisy among Churchians is their inability to put less "weight" on the Old Testament. The New Testament says, "the things written in the past were written to teach us". People too quickly forget that we're no longer under law but under grace. "We no longer serve in the old way of the written code (rules & regulations including the Old Testament) but serve in the new way of the Spirit" (Romans 7:6).

Do you know what this means? I think the 10 Commandments are essentially outdated! WHen Christ came to show us the way, He simplified it all down to a few "rules."

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, your soul, and your strength.

Love your those around you like you love yourself (you selfish bastard you).

Do to other people what you wish they'd do for you.

If Christians would just do these consistently, they'd obey the spirit of the 10 Commandments and thensome!

*sigh*

Chickenhead: The American Fun-DUMB-mentalist Bible consists of: Genesis-Leviticus John 3:16...

BluJayLax: Oh praise Splorp! Finally someone who has totally and completely agreed with...

Klep: Well most normal Christians do. You just hear about the stupid ones more. ...

Posted by gr00vey on Oct. 14, 2003 06:33

I want a concubine, but somehow I don't think my wife would be to happy.... ;)

BluJayLax: Then get another wife. What would your wife do if you had to marry your sister...

gr00vey: Heheh, well one of my sister in laws is gay, and wouldn't be interested, and...

peter: No, no. You don't marry her. You just get her pregnant and everyone pretends...

Posted by Pansy Bedwetter on Oct. 14, 2003 06:34

The bible sounds hilarious and worth reading. Can anyone suggest a particular one? I know there are thousands to choose from.

Yoozer: Go with the King James (KJV). It's quoted the most, availbe aplenty on the net,...

adrian: Plus King James I was a screaming queen. I love the irony of that on so many...

gr00vey: Skip the begots section... And it really isn't that funny. Buy The david cross...

peter: Oh, and skip the whole "and next to the seven lampstands of gold..." riff. Too...

peter: Reading the Bible for the fun parts is a real exercise in literary spelinking;...

Me: I'll give a second to Peter McWilliams' "Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do" A...

Darwin Award: Here, here! Peter McWilliams' book is the best!

Reynard: As a semi-serious reader (if total un-believer) I would recommend, in the...

Posted by peter from Chicago on Oct. 14, 2003 10:08

Can't quote the verse, but somewhere in Paul in the New Testament, he makes it clear that if one person in a pagan marriage becomes a Christian and the other doesn't it voids the old marriage and the convert is free to remarry. There are some extra details about the marriage staying valid if they both want it to--it doesn't force the dissolution.

Of course the other oft overlooked New Testament marriage reference is Paul's rant that no Christian should ever get married because marriage takes the focus off God, but if you are so lost to lust that you can't keep it in your pants, you are allowed to be married if you have to. He makes it clear that no really serious Christian would even consider getting married. I'll see if I can find the reference. It is the "better to marry than burn" text.

peter: Found it. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 Which, as I read it, doesn't say anything about...

BluJayLax: Who gives a flying f*ck what Paul thinks? Two reasons for this. 1) These...

BenMurphy: Yeah, that one always worried me when I was a fundie. "How good of a christian...

Posted by keithkam from Columbus, Ohio on Oct. 14, 2003 14:10

Something similar found here.

http://www.whitehouse.org/dof/marriage.asp

Posted by meandmy from Maryland on Oct. 14, 2003 16:35

what bible are you using?

adrian: Mostly King James

Posted by High School RPG on Oct. 15, 2003 12:59

Just to let you guys know, all of those are in the Old Testament, and some of those are pretty much nullified in the New Testament.

BluJayLax: No shit. Thats the point. Most of these raving fundies pull quote after quote...

Robguy: hey, a couple weeks ago I took a nap on a roof and I had a vision - so someone...

Just Nick: OOO! Look everybody! God talks to Robguy now! Let's all gather at his feet and...

Posted by alphatronics from Boston, MA, USA on Oct. 16, 2003 16:19

Marriage week: Doesn't mean anything, and will be an embarrassment in 5-10 years.