An amusing take from the Palm Beach Post, daily
schedule:
PRAISE THE LAWTEY CORRECTIONAL INST.
"Where convicts get convictions."
Daily Schedule of Events
6 a.m. -- Cock crows three times. Good morning,
sinners!
6:30 a.m. -- Sunrise service; weight room.
8 a.m. -- Breakfast: scrambled eggs, bacon*, hash browns;
dining hall
(*Muslims substitute tofu sausage).
8:30 a.m. -- Cellblock psalms.
9 a.m. -- The 700 Club; TV lounge.
9:30 a.m. -- First shift reports for work; "Choose Life"
license plate building.
10 a.m. -- Lecture: Speaking in tongues for confidential
informants; law library.
11 a.m. -- Class: Bible Study for Burglars (inmates may be
asked to share books due to pilferage from previous sessions);
Classroom 1.
11:30 a.m. -- Bringing in the shivs. Last chance to turn in
weapons; no questions asked; north tower.
11:45 a.m. -- Fellowship of Christian Convicts Luncheon
(National Football League will provide speaker); dining
hall.
Noon -- Radio club: Learning from Rush "Talent on Loan from
God" Limbaugh; detox unit.
1 p.m. -- Seminar: Snake Handling for Dummies. One slot has
suddenly opened up for this seminar. Admission: one cigarette
or two candy bars. Not for beginners; Classroom 2.
1:30 p.m. -- Careers seminar: How to run a faith-based
school in Florida and get state funding, with Gov. Bush on
satellite linkup; Classroom 3.
2 p.m. -- Afternoon shift reports for work; Ten
Commandments monument construction center (counts for gain
time on any outstanding Alabama sentence).
2:30 p.m. -- Support group: The End is Near; for Jehovah's
Witnesses with less than 6 months remaining on their
sentences; Classroom 4.
3 p.m. -- Bingo
3:30 p.m. -- Baptisms. (Note: Due to the recent escape, we
will no longer be going to the lake for this event.)
4 p.m. -- Book discussion group: Chicken Soup for the
Criminal Soul; rec. room.
5 p.m. -- Free time for prayer, contemplation, dropping a
dime.
5:30 p.m. -- Confessions; state attorney's conference
room.
6 p.m. -- Evening meal.
7 p.m. -- Hard Time Players holds open auditions for annual
Lawtey Christmas pageant. Still casting for Three Wise Guys
(organized crime conviction a plus) and Virgin Mary
(protective custody assured). Due to the seizure of
myrrh-flavored hootch after last year's production, the props
for this year's show will be limited; all-purpose room.
7-9 p.m. -- Evening visitations.
7:30 p.m. -- Organ practice; chapel.
8 p.m. -- DNA sample matching; lab.
9:50 p.m. -- Prayers; calls to defense lawyers.
10 p.m. -- Lights out.